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Blog : Posts tagged with 'gossip'

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The Last Days Of Winter

In which we encapsulate things


Still recovering from my awful, hacking-cough cold. For The Mother, who thinks I have had bronchitis continuously since August, this is more evidence that I am leading a terribly dissolute lifestyle and need to stop having sex, stay indoors watching TV, and go to bed at 9pm every night just like she does.

In lieu of a proper entry, it’s time for One-Line Album Reviews. Hurrah! In which, FP tries to come up with pithy lines about some of the albums he’s bought recently.*

The Victorian English Gentlemen’s Club, The Victorian English Gentlemen’s Club: you can’t hum it, the same as you can’t pronounce the name after a few gin and tonics very easily; but it’s some good, chunky angular music to listen to in the car.

The Aliens, Astronomy For Dogs: Like The Beta Band doing rock, which isn’t too surprising really. Rather good.

Gossip, Standing In The Way Of Control: A bit much hype involved, which (also) isn’t surprising really. It’s not a bad album, but they’re not as good as, say, The Kills.

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly, The Chronicles Of A Bohemian Teenager: Note to self: unlike TVEGC (see above), do not put this on in the car. You will fall asleep, probably at a busy motorway intersection, and kill hundreds of innocent pensioners on a coach en route to Southend.

And that’s most definitely enough of that.

* thus ruling out all the dronerock the Dronerock Fairy has been sending this way. Although the forthcoming Blonde Redhead album is rather good. Erm, so I hear.

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In his defence

In which Big Dave gets fit


Big Dave’s latest plan for self-improvement has been under way for a few weeks now. He’s decided to study the martial* arts, and has been going to ju-jitsu classes on a Monday night. Which means that every Tuesday, when we come in to open up, he’s groaning at every aching muscle.

To be fair, he’s getting better. After the first night, he was groaning with every tiny movement he had to make. Now, after a few weeks, he’s mostly quiet but for the odd pained expression on his face.

From all the stories he tells, Big Dave can already look after himself. Most of the tales he tells of nights out end up with him coming out on top whenever a fight breaks out. Of course, maybe he’s being selective about which tales he tells us, and maybe they end up embroidered in the telling. Clearly, though, he’s not that confident; or at least he feels like he needs an extra edge when it comes to fights in the street on a Saturday night. Or maybe he’s just concerned about the size of his waistline; the classes are billed as “ju-jitsu and self-defence”, but that doesn’t have to be the only reason for going. Maybe he’s planning on a definitive wrestle with the management when he finally leaves.

* Yes, I did double-check that I’d spelled that correctly.

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“20% of sick days are taken on Fridays…”

In which someone else has started a blog


“…this is clearly unacceptable”

That’s not a real quote, by the way. It was adapted from a Dilbert strip.* I’m sure people have used it and meant it at some point, though.

End of another week, and the start of another busy weekend. I’ve been going to so many different towns and cities lately, I should send back postcards from them all. This weekend, I’m off to yet another different part of the country.

I’ve become resigned to the fact that there’s going to be nothing on but football for the next month. Me and Big Dave might have our differences, but neither of us can stand football, and we’re both fed up of the World Cup before it’s even begun. More on this tomorrow.

Some interesting rumours are apparently going round the office as to what I do on all these weekend trips away I’ve been doing lately. They’re far more excited and lurid than the actual truth, so I can’t really be bothered to correct them all. Noone dares ask me, anyway. They all ask Dave instead, who doesn’t have a clue,* and that hardly helps stop the rumours spreading.

In any case, you can tell I live a decadent lifestyle. I had strawberries and cream for breakfast this morning. It doesn’t get much more decadent than that.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that one of the management has a blog now, and Sarsparilla said: “what if it’s better than yours?” Well, I’ve read it since then. And I know this sounds like I’m blowing my own trumpet, but it isn’t. In fact, it’s one of the most banal websites I’ve ever seen. I won’t be linking, because he does check his stats, but the design is terrible and the content is minimal:

Traffic home is still terrible, the town is full of traffic diverted away from Jameson Bridge St. Went to the Fox and Hounds after work, though – the grub is dead good, and I’d recommend it to anyone if you fancy a meal.

And that’s an entire day’s entry. I know this site can be crap sometimes, but … well, I now know I’m not the worst in the world.

* Dave might act like a womaniser sometimes, but he’s completely vanilla, and a bit scared of anything outside that.

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Office gossip update

In which there may be competition


I said on Friday that the branch manager at the Another Part Of The Forest branch had quit his job. He said at the time that he had another job lined up, but was being rather taciturn and evasive about what it might be.

Well, the latest gossip is that he doesn’t have a job lined up at all as such – he’s going to go out and set up his own business, doing exactly what he’s been doing for us all along. His division are all going into a panic, worried all their business in Another Part Of The Forest is going to float away and follow him, just like that. I’m just wondering how long he’s going to last. I know how bad he is at keeping track of paperwork, and I know, from reading his memos, that he has trouble writing an understandable sentence. I’m tempted to open a book, around the office, on how long before his business disappears again.

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Gossip: Date Update

In which Big Dave is threatening


Last week, I told you about Big Dave’s Impending Date. This week, I’ve been finding out what happened. This is all retold second-hand from what he told me; but this is pretty much exactly how he said it.

Quick summary of the Story So Far: Big Dave asked a girl from the Darts League out, even though she wasn’t single, because her dad kept pressuring him to do it. On Saturday, they were supposed to be going out for a drink.

Well, she cancelled. Then, on Sunday, she didn’t show up at the darts. So, Dave asks around a bit to see what’s going on. It turns out, she went to visit her ex, who then decided to beat her up.

Dave pops round to visit, and sees the rather nasty bruises all over her face, which explain why she hasn’t been about. “You won’t do anything though, will you?” she said to him, nervously.

“Of course not,” says Big Dave, fingers crossed behind his back. As soon as he leaves her, he goes straight round to the man’s house. As soon as he opens the door, Dave’s hands are round his neck and he’s up against the wall.

Now, there is a reason he’s called Big Dave. And the man in question is, according to Dave, your typical kind of girlfriend-beater: small and skinny himself, and a coward. The sort of bully who will take his anger out on people he knows aren’t going to fight back. With Dave there, he needs to change his trousers. “I don’t have a problem with you, mate,” he kept stammering. “You do now,” Dave replies. He leaves without doing any damage, but with Dire Threats should anything happen in future.

I’m slightly in two minds about all this myself. On the one hand, the scumbag sounds like a nasty piece of work who clearly had it coming. Nevertheless, I’m still a little nervous around vigilante justice. Especially when I share an office with the vigilante in question. And the girl Dave was trying to help isn’t talking to him at the moment. Because she didn’t want anyone to make a fuss about it. She just wanted everyone to ignore her hideous bruises and let it all die down again.

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How to win girlfriends and influence people

In which Big Dave may be on to something


Big Dave At The Office is making a move back onto the dating scene. He’s mostly doing this, as far as I can tell, by playing darts.

I knew he was on his dad’s darts team, playing weekly at various dodgy-sounding pubs round the area.* I knew, too, that there was a woman on the team – also there with her dad – who he was getting friendly with; but that as she isn’t single, nothing had happened.

“So, I was at the darts last Thursday,” says Big Dave, “and you remember that lass I was telling you about? She wasn’t there, but her dad just comes up to us and says: ‘Why haven’t you boned my daughter yet?’ As if he’s insulted that I haven’t, or something.”

“But I thought she wasn’t single?”

“Well, yeah,” said Dave. “Anyway, this week, I was stood talking to her after the match, and her dad comes up to us again. And he says to her: ‘Why haven’t you let him bone you yet?’ I think he’s trying to drop hints.”

“Subtle,” I said. “Very subtle. What does he say to her boyfriend?”

“Well, I dunno,” he replied. “But we’re kind of going on a date on Saturday.”

If I hear how he gets on, I will keep you posted.

* such as the one where local pre-teens will hang about in the car park offering to get you practically anything for twenty quid, and if you take them up on it, will return with a freshly-nicked anything within a couple of hours.

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Paranoid

In which we speculate on Big Dave’s motives


The next post in the Books I Haven’t Managed To Read Yet series was going to appear today – as promised earlier, it’s going to be The System Of The World by Neal Stephenson. However, rather than write a long blog post, I decided to have an extra nap instead.

When I woke up, I was reflecting back on Big Dave’s shadowy behaviour last week. And, I thought: what if I was leaping to conclusions? Well, there’s no “what if” there, I was leaping to conclusions. There are other possibilities, though. What if Big Dave had to leave early for something else entirely? What if Big Dave had a job interview?

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Being Nosy

In which FP gets suspicious


Big Dave is up to something.

Big Dave is my main co-worker. He’s a big chap, and he’s called Dave. And he’s pretty open about stuff. Just lately, though, he’s definitely been up to something.

He asked if I could cover for him and stay late yesterday, so he could leave early. “If I leave when you normally do,” he said, “I can get to the gym an hour earlier. It would be nice to have a change.” Not having any plans myself, I agreed.

Back in this morning. “How was the gym last night, then?”

“Didn’t actually go to the gym,” he says. “Had something else to do.”

“Oh yes?”

“Mmm. I was busy.”

So, something’s definitely going on. It sounds like Big Dave’s got a date.

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