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Ovines

In which we become scared of fields


“That’s two hours of my life that I’ll never get back,” said one of the women in front of us, as we left the cinema.* I thought she was being slightly unfair. The film had only been 87 minutes long, after all.

Besides, I’d rather liked it. We’d been to see Black Sheep; it was, like me, rather silly; but played very straight all the way through, which is always the best sort of silliness. The implausible B-movie science was glossed over, and the actors put on their Most Serious Faces as they fought to defend themselves against mutant killer zombie sheep.** Some of the characters were caricatures, and some of the foreshadowing was very obvious indeed, but sometimes, in this film, that’s the sort of thing you want to happen.***

One thing did puzzle me: why, when all the sheep in all the fields started to become blood-crazed man-eating carnivores, did noone really seem very surprised? Now, for the hero, it’s explained: he suffers from a fear that one day sheep will do exactly that. But all the other characters also behave as if it’s a normal, everyday crisis, something they’ve been expecting all along. Maybe everyone in New Zealand is like that. Maybe everywhere though the islands, at the back of people’s minds, is the thought: one day, the sheep will start fighting back.

* “We” being, of course, me and Mystery Filmgoer as usual.

** These were Modern Biological Zombies – not dead, just rather ill; which does make them rather easier to despatch, with none of this “you must remove the head or destroy the brain” trickiness.

*** When you see a big, round, deep hole, with a sign next to it that says: “Warning: Offal Pit”, you know what’s going to happen later on.

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3 comments on “Ovines”

  1. Dimitra says:

    And either I am still in a good mood, or your writing has improved, because I find this one amusing as well.

    Though: mutant killer zombie sheep? Wtf?

  2. Jayne says:

    Hello, great post! I have not heard of the film, but I love the fact that the hero suffers from a deadly man-eating sheep fear (like most heroes do, I’m sure) and that no one was surprised… maybe there is a contingency plan in place for that gruesome day. Until then, what is next – mutant rabbits? The Killer Gerbil? Hammer-happy Hamsters?

  3. Forest Pines says:

    If you live in a country with so many sheep in it, it’s probably an important contingency to bear in mind.

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