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Monetary

In which FP sorts out the nation’s budget


As that nice Mr Brown of Ferryhills Road is going to deliver his budget this afternoon, I thought it would be a good idea to give him a few tips. So, in nice easily-digested bullet-point form, here’s the Symbolic Forest Budget 2006 – quick, clear the BBC1 schedule and get Evan Davies on standby!*

  • Higher taxes for married people.
  • and anyone else who can get a date at the drop of a hat (sorry, Big Dave)
  • Lower taxes for single people
  • especially ones who are doomed to stay single for all eternity (it’s only fair).
  • Higher taxes for big cars. You only need a 4×4 to take the kids to school if you live in, say, the tiny Welsh hill village of Llwybr Cyhoeddus.
  • Smaller taxes for little cars. Especially blue ones.
  • Lower taxes on beer produced by small independant breweries.**
  • Higher taxes for carbonated urine beer produced by big industrial ones
  • No tax at all on gin
  • Or tonic.
  • No taxes on any expensive cameras or other gadgets I might want to buy in the next year.
  • More cake

That should get the economy nice and stimulated. There you go, Gordon; hope this helps.

* But don’t mention the rumour about his body piercings.

** Especially ones named after large, brightly-coloured animals.

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